I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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