he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
