Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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