Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
