I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
