i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
