I puked a lego.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
