dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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