So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Omg I joined a choir last night...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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