I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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