My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
