I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
