Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
