it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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