i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
