Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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