3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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