She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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