I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
