The best revenge is premature balding
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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