The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
