I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
