K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
