Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
