Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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