WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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