you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
