why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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