someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
