im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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