Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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