i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
