I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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