I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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