New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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