i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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