You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
