I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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