i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
