What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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