Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
