you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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