Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.