Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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