whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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