We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
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Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
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Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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