he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
