WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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