I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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