So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
