Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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