shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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