How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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