i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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