Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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