In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
