she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
