i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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