Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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