i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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