You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
