Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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